Not My Typical Kind of Post/ New Year's Resolution in a Round-About Sort of Way

I have only blogged once this month!  Unbelievable!  Maybe it just means I've been so busy living and enjoying my life and running all over the place this season that I haven't had time to sit down and type out something.  Or that this is a public blog and I can't just blurt out everything I want to on this blog like how I think that Dave's SIL's behavior towards me is just horrific, but she has cancer so I can't say anything to her about it because then I look like the bad guy.  What kind of a person finds out that I am having surgery (back in May) and she didn't even tell Dave's brother!!!  And when I told her I was having a total hysterectomy (and ovaries removed too- I had a mass on my ovary and a spot on my uterus on the ultrasound), she (who is a cancer patient herself) didn't even acknowledge that I was having surgery!  Didn't wish me well or offer prayers or ANYTHING!  Dave's brother had no idea about my surgery until 5 weeks later when my husband told him.  Sad, huh?  What if I had ovarian cancer?  She hasn't talked to me since May (when I told her I was having surgery).....7 months! 

Or that I always try to treat my friends really well and I thought I was really close friends with someone, and they totally blew off something important I invited them to, and then was hurt that I didn't invite them to something else later on!  And I still ended up feeling like the bad guy.  Because that is the type of person I am.  I never like to hurt anyone else's feelings- even if they hurt mine first.

But then I stop and look at all the good things and good people that I do have in my life.  And there are a lot of them.  I had a wonderful Christmas and birthday this week.

I just wish that I had developed a thicker skin for dealing with people who treat me like crap.  There is a saying....it goes something like,  "Don't make people a priority when they only treat you like an option".

Maybe I am just reflecting on these types of things (unfair/unequal inter-personal relationships) because I am a year older (and wiser?  haha!)  and also my BFF's mom found out on Christmas day that she has a huge lung mass....lung cancer is never really a good thing......and I am really starting to better prioritize the things in life that matter?  Life is short, and it's definitely too short for people who really don't give a crap about me to get to be a part of my life.  I only have so many hours in the day, and I should be spending that precious time with my family and good friends.  As soon as I hung up with my BFF after getting this bad news about her mom, I called my parents and was so happy I made them quit smoking when I was in kindergarten!  I guilted them after this guy came to school to talk about how bad smoking is, and showed us ugly pictures of nasty-looking lungs.  I cried and told my parents I was going to be an orphan if they didn't quit smoking!

So my resolution for the new year?   Nope, it's not gonna be your typical "I am going to work out and lose weight" resolution.  My resolution is to spend more time with the people that love me and treat me well, and to spend less time and energy and attention on people that don't really care about me and make me feel bad.

But I am planning to work out more and lose weight in 2014!  Starting with this crazy Disneyland half-marathon in January.  I will post a pic of me with my medal after the race!  Well, I mean I hope to post a pic!  HA!  I am not the greatest at posting pictures to this blog.

This year 2013 did have it's share of interesting and exciting moments.....started off by battling mono, then having Cambria's adoption be finalized (YAY!), then dealing with pneumonia, then the ovarian mass, then a total hysterectomy/ ovary removal, then Hawaii (YAY!), then Zack making the All-Star baseball team (YAY!) and his team winning the district championships (YAY!  YAY!) and then making the fall travel baseball team and his team winning the end of season tournament (YAY!) and then Zack and Jake both getting straight-A's for the 1st and 2nd quarters of the school year!  Oh, and how could I forget Dave and me celebrating 15 years of marriage and 20 years of being together!  (Triple YAY!!)   And Cambria celebrating her 1st birthday.  :)

Happy New Year 2014 to everyone.  Sorry if this post wasn't my usual "life is all rainbows and sunshine and unicorns and everything is perfect".........sometimes those kind of posts are annoying too!  My wish for everyone is to have good health this new year, and to spend more time with the good people in your life.

Merry Christmas From my Darling Daughter!

Gah!  I still love saying that.... "my daughter"!  And sometimes I still have to pinch myself to make sure that I really do, in fact, have a daughter!

My mom mentioned to me the other day that I haven't blogged in a while.  What the what?!    I am becoming like all the other adoptive parent bloggers who start blogging less and less once their baby is in their arms.

I can't believe Christmas is next week!  We still don't have our tree up yet!  I have, however been busy doing other fun things and had BUNCO at my house last week, and a holiday lunch yesterday at my house with my girlfriends from my exercise classes.  I fed them cupcakes!  HA!  I'm trying to fatten them up so they don't make me look so bad!  Just kidding!  (I really did feed them these amazing cupcakes made by the same lady who made Cambria's birthday cake.)

My birthday is coming up soon too...sooner than I'd like...less than 2 weeks away!  I am NOT happy or thrilled in any way to be turning 43.  Yikes.  43 already?!

Sorry for the absence.  Cambria's birth sister should make her arrival in about 2 months.  I am so excited to see if she looks like Cambria or their birth brother!

4 or 5?

The other day I blogged about getting contacted about adopting a baby girl due in March in my own state.  My hubby said 4 kids was our number, and 5 kids is a bit much for us.  

So last night we were talking about something and he said, "you have 5 kids...."
And I stopped him mid-sentence and said "What?!?!  You said that I have 5 kids!  Does that mean we can submit our profile to this expectant mom?!"

Sorry, Charlie.  No dice.  :(
Boo.

Ultrasound

Open adoption is creating relationships I never would have dreamed about 5 or even 10 years ago!  I had mentioned before that Cambria's birthparents are expecting again....and they are placing this new baby for adoption too.  They have picked an adoptive family that lives closer to them, and I am facebook friends with the new adoptive mom.  I have texted with her and talked to her on the phone.  Really nice person she is, and I think she will be a great mom.  Our children are going to be full birth siblings.  Since I found out J was pregnant way back in June or July, I kept calling this new baby a girl.  I just had a feeling.  I was so bummed that this baby was going to be placed for adoption- my hubby said I was acting like I was the one who was going to be placing my child for adoption.  It was almost as if I was losing a piece of my daughter.  I wanted to keep the girls together, or at least in contact down the road.  But now that I've talked to the new prospective adoptive mom, I have no doubt the girls will have contact throughout their lives.  J had to go to the ER a while back, and told me she had an ultrasound done to make sure the baby was ok, and they couldn't be certain, but thought the baby was a girl.  (I was right! A ha!)   Then she sent me a letter telling me she picked out baby names for a boy and a girl.  Wha?  Wait~ I thought she said it was a girl!  She said they weren't certain of the gender.  I still felt in my gut the baby was a girl!  She invited us to visit her and the new adoptive family in the hospital when she has the baby........Welcome to open adoption in 2013!  And because of the kind of person I am, I would totally go if we didn't live on the other side of the country....I would love to get pictures of all of the 3 families coming together in the name of open adoption. 

J told me that the new adoptive parents were going to take her to get a 3-D ultrasound the other day (truth be told, I was a wee bit jealous because I don't have any 3-D ultrasound pictures of Cambria...but as my ever sensible husband said....V, you have the baby...isn't that enough?)  She said she would text me the pictures, and I could get them printed for Cambria's NC birthfamily scrapbook I have for her.   So guess who sent me a text picture the day of the 3-D ultrasound exclaiming "It's a GIRL!!!"  
The new adoptive mom.  Yep!  Not Cambria's birthmom.  Interesting?   I am so glad that the other adoptive mom and I have this kind of relationship already.   I am so happy for her that she is finally going to be a mother.  It's so weird how I feel so connected to them already because our daughters share the same blood.  Even though my daughter doesn't share my blood!  My daugher is going to have an abundance of siblings- biological and adopted.  I'm happy for her and what the future holds.

She Looks Like You

Someone posted this on Facebook today, and I loved it.  This happens to me too....ALL.THE.TIME!   People are always telling me that Cambria looks like me.  It makes me wonder, though, if we had had a biological daughter, would she have looked like me?  My boys mostly look like Dave.  Jacob looks like me more than the other two boys do.  The funny thing is that Cambria probably looks more like me than a biological daughter would have!  Cambria's birthparents really don't look anything like me, so it's interesting that she looks like me!  We have the same blue eyes.  But we didn't adopt her hoping that she would look like our family.  I thought she would have much redder hair, because her birthbrother and birthgrandma do.   Her birth father has strawberry-blonde/reddish hair.




Here we are on her very 1st birthday!! 



This is Zack and Cambria.  I think they look kinda similar in this picture.  Big brother was giving her a ride on her Princess car!  So sweet!

Above all, it doesn't really matter to us if Cambria looks like us or not.  We love her so much.  It is cool to see how God orchestrates everything and builds our families for us!  I've read so many adoption stories/articles/blogs, and one thing I've read over and over again from adoptees is if they didn't look like their adoptive families, then they felt out of place and felt like they didn't quite fit in.  So at least Cambria won't feel that way.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!  I am beyond thankful for my husband, kids, adoption blessing, parents, family, and ibu.profen....I can take it after my grueling Cross.fit workouts when my legs are beyond hurting!  HA!

Interesting Phone Call

This past Saturday was National Adoption Day!  I saw this saying somewhere, and I love it:  "Adoption done right is a beautiful thing".

Last Thursday, I got a call from this adoption attorney's office that I had sent profile books to 2 years ago.  They called me last August or September (before Cambria was born) to see if we wanted to be presented to 3 expectant mothers who were making an adoption plan.   I said yes.  The birth moms said no....to us.  Sigh, more rejection.  Then I got contacted a few more times around the same time to be shown to expectant mothers.  Either we felt it wasn't a good fit, or we weren't chosen.  I remember saying that even though these birth moms didn't choose us, that I felt like our time was coming...we were getting close.   How right I was!  Cambria was born on 9/23 and was placed in our arms on 9/26.  Coincidentally, 9/26 was the same date of my bridal shower!  (But in 1998!)   I haven't heard another peep from that adoption attorney's office since...... and truth be told, I was so busy with a newborn and 4 kids and life in general that I forgot to call and tell them we adopted a daughter, and to take us off the list.

Fast forward to this past Thursday, I was walking out of the post office after mailing a package to Cambria's birthmom...it is her full biological brother's birthday this week.  My phone rang and it was the adoption attorney's office calling to see if we wanted to be presented to an expectant mom who is having a girl and is due in March.   She is due 3 days after Cambria's birthmom.  Weird?  Coincidence?  I really wanted to say yes.  My hubby said no.  "Remember Vicki?  We adopted our baby girl!  We are done growing our family."    Besides, our home study expired in July and we didn't even consider renewing it because our family felt complete.  Also, if we were to adopt again, I would want to adopt the baby that Cambria's birth mom is pregnant with right now.  I would want to keep the sisters together.

Still......I told her I'd talk to the hubs and call her back!  Gah!  I would LOVE to have 2 daughters!  I would love for Cambria to have a little sister to play with....and they would be almost 18 months apart.  I even called our home study agency to see how hard it would be to renew our home study now that it has expired.  I got their voicemail.    Was that a sign?  (You know how I am a firm believer in signs!)   OK so then there's the issue of cost.  One reason I didn't even bring up to Cambria's birthmom adopting her new baby is because of the high cost of this adoption- more than Cambria's.    This other case is a fraction of the typical adoption cost.  My hubby's response to that?  We just got Cambria off of bottles and formula and threw the bottles out and gave all of her baby stuff she has outgrown away!  And 5 kids is a lot.  Sigh.... yes, yes I know that.   I think if I didn't, I would be pressing D a lot harder to let us be presented to this expectant mom.  The case sounded pretty perfect for us, and she lives in my state!  No ICPC or plane tickets or hotel rooms with a newborn!

But then the other part of me says "Then Cami wouldn't be my baby anymore."  And I really want her to be my baby forever and not take that away from her. 

Oh well, it was food for thought.  If this whole adoption experience has taught me anything (besides patience!), it was this:  all through the waiting period, I was worried nobody would pick us and we would never get to adopt a baby girl.  Well, we were in fact chosen several times, and all the other cases didn't work out for one reason or another.  Even after Cambria was in our home, I have been contacted multiple times about either being chosen already or being presented to another expectant mom.   We would have eventually adopted our daughter.  I wish I had believed that beforehand, and saved myself all the worry.  So to anyone who is still in the waiting period: have faith.  It will happen.  The baby that was meant to be yours will find you.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!  Cami will be old enough this year to eat the yummy turkey and all the fixin's!   :)

20 Years

This Friday (in case I forget to post on Friday- which is highly likely!  HA!) will be our 20 year anniversary of being a couple!  Of course I have no pictures to post today.  I suck at that, and I am sorry!  We met on a blind date.  He was college roommates with my friend from high school.  I actually could have met him about a year before that when my high school friend invited me to go out for his 21st birthday party to a bar with a huge group of people.  I had a boyfriend at the time, and he was only 20, so he couldn't go.  So, I stayed home with him.  Anyways, I found out years later that my hubby was actually out with the group that night!  Dave and I grew up in Ohio about an hour away from each other, but met in Tucson at the University of AZ!  He was friends in college with a bunch of people that I went to high school with.  So at my 10 year high school reunion, he actually knew quite a bit of people there!

When I met him, I told him I was "career woman"....I was going to become a doctor (which I did), and I didn't want to get married or have kids.   His response?  "Ever???" 

Fast forward 15 years down the road....to 2008.......we have 3 kids, and I am begging him for a 4th!  LOL!  Never say never!  Ever!  :)
And.....I am unemployed~  a stay-at-home-mom!

That man can put up with me like noone else!  He is my rock.  Always is the voice of reason and calmness.

And the best part?  He is an amazing dad.  Even better than I dreamed he'd be!  My kids are so lucky that he is their dad.

Oh!  One more memory.  So when I turned 30, I finally felt that clock ticking...that urge to be a mommy.  And when it showed up, it was ticking very LOUDLY!  I remember tapping my watch and saying, "I want a baby!  Like 9 months from today!"   His response?  "I was ready 6 months ago!"

I'll see if I can cough up some pictures- circa 1993 by Friday!  :)

Happy Anniversary!

OK, I'm already off to a good start with posting more pictures on this blog!  :)
Last month was our 15 year anniversary!  The picture on the left was taken on the boat cruise from our honeymoon in FIJI!  Isn't that water so amazingly blue?!  And the picture on the right was taken on my back deck.  We don't look too much different (read: older!) do we?!?!

Happy 15 years, baby!  Here's to 15 more!

My Best Girl

This is so true!  I always call Cami "my best girl"! 
I am so blessed to get to be her mother.   I love her so much.  I saw this little poster thing on FB.  But I have been good and haven't posted anything on FB this month!  It's going by faster than I expected.  And I haven't really posted much on my other FB page that I have for Cambria's birth family either.  I've been really busy enjoying life (except for when I'm hit with a migraine). I've been having fun spending time with my family and friends.

Today is Veteran's day!  Happy Veteran's day to all the veterans....thank you for your service.-- this includes my hubby!  Who knew I had my own little veteran under the same roof as me?!

I am blogging less and less frequently lately.  My days are jam-packed~ in a good way!  My oldest son's fall travel baseball team won the championship game last weekend!  How cool is that!  Zack played catcher this season and was a wall behind the plate, if I do say so myself!  He played 3rd base in his regular spring Little League season and during the All Stars tournaments this summer. 

I have been terrible about posting pictures to this blog.  It takes forever to post pictures on here.  It is so much easier to post them to FB or Instagram.  Sorry.  I love to see people's pictures on other blogs, so I will work on posting more pictures on this blog.

My migraines have been really bad since the middle of July.  August is usually a bad headache month, but September was wicked too, and October was chock full of headaches too.  I went to the neurologist, and we decided to try Bo.tox for my migraines.  I never wear make-up (except for once a year when we have our family Christmas pictures taken! HA!) and I never do cosmetic/plastic procedures like those lip or filler injecctions, so I am really doing the Bo.tox for my migraines.  It's been 2 weeks, and the full effect of the med is supposed to kick in by today.  I'm crossing my fingers that this works and I can have some relief.  That's another reason I haven't been blogging as much....plagued with headaches, and not in the mood to sit in front of the computer and type..

The weather has been so amazing here lately!  I am sinking into this false sense of security about the weather....that it is going to be this nice forever, and not get cold and snow soon! 

OK, I'm talking about the weather now....it's time to go!  Lol!   No, actually I'm going to go drive Jacob to his friend's birthday party.

Halloween/ Facebook

I hope everyone had a great Halloween!
The kids were a minion (Zack and a bunch of his friends dressed up as a group of minions!), a Clone Trooper, a red ninja, and a bumble bee!  So cute!  (See picture collage below.)

I made a decision to not post or comment on Facebook for the month of November.  GASP!  I know!  haha!  It was a huge time suck.  2 years ago, I was eating so many cupcakes that on Nov. 1st I put myself into cupcake rehab.  This year, I've decided to do FB rehab.  I can still read stuff other people post and respond to private messages (because to ignore them would be just plain rude!!)   Plus, local friends sometimes post stuff and invites on FB to get together, and I wouldn't wanna miss fun get-togethers!  That being said, I will still post pictures on my other FB account that is for Cambria's birth family. 

Plus, do you know what November is?  National Adoption Month!  I love adoption and the blessing it gave me and my family.

I will instead spend the time I normally would have spent on Facebook training seriously for this half-marathon I crazily signed myself up to do!  It's Jan. 19th and it's the Disney.land Tinker.bell Half marathon.  I'm running it with my BFF Missy from med school.  I can't believe I let her talk me into this!  HA!  I did 4.3 miles yesterday on the treadmill while Cambria was napping.  I would love to run outdoors more, but for now I have to settle for the treadmill while she is napping.  Hey, at least I have the TV to stare at and get to watch my favoite mystery detective shows!

Brilliant!

Today I was changing Cambria's diaper.  Which isn't always the easiest feat....she is very wiggly and doesn't want to lie still for a boring diaper change!  She wants to be on the move.  So I gave her a shoe to hold onto....I had just bought her this new pair of shoes...sparkly cute shoes.  She tried to put it on her foot!  I was so proud of my baby girl!  Then today we were at the soccer field watching Joshua's soccer game, and she started clapping!  So cute!  Yesterday she and I were in her room and she was playing with her toys.  Dave came home, and was standing in the doorway of her room.  She looked up at him and said, "Hey!"  The other day I was feeding her in her high chair.  She looked at me and said, "more"!  (Well, it sounded more like "ma", but close enough!)

My little girl is brilliant.  Brilliant, I say!

My Daughter

Lately I have been having these fleeting thoughts rush through my head....what if Cambria is upset that she is adopted when she is old enough to understand?  Yes, yes for all you adoption-haters, I realize I should have thought of this before we embarked on this adoption journey.  I did.  But before and after the baby is actually in your home are two different things.  I love her so much, and I never want her to feel hurt for any reason.  She is so happy and smiley and giggly....I can't imagine her not being that way ever! 

My mother still sometimes refers to her birthmom as "her mother".....as in, "Have you talked to her mother lately?"   Wait!  I am her mother!  The other day I was in a store buying a baby gift for our friend (the one who, if you read back to my blog posts after my hysterectomy in June) finally got pregnant at 40 years old and I was bawling like a baby cuz I just had a hysterectomy....never mind that I have 4 kiddos already! And adopted the last one, so my womb wasn't really needed anyways.), and I also bought a cute winter jacket for Cambria, I kept telling the saleswoman "this one is for my daughter so put it in a different bag, this one is for my daughter, so I don't need a gift receipt for it, this coat is for my daughter, etc. etc.  I'm sure the salesgirl wanted to tell me "Oh, for God's sake, stuff a sock in it, will ya?!"  I kept saying daughter over and over again....like I was finally hearing it for the first time, and I loved the way it sounded.  Sure, I've had a daughter for over a year now.  Legally, she has been my daughter since January!  What was up with me?  Maybe I was so nervous for so long that something would go wrong with the adoption and it would fall apart.  I love this little girl so much, and the thought of losing her killed me.  Oh!  And our friend had her daughter (there's that word again!)  on Sept. 24th!  The day after Cambria's birthday!

One of my adoptive momma friends had 2 sons, and wanted to adopt a baby girl like me.  Her daughter was born 3 weeks after my daughter!  Crazy timing, huh?!  Well, anyways she just posted a cute picture on FB of her daughter with a birthday package her birth family mailed her.  I was so happy for her daughter to receive birthday love from her birth family.  And I was jealous.   Sure, her birth mother posted a really nice post on FB and sent me a wonderful text (saying I was beautiful inside and out and she was so grateful that we adopted Cambria, and that she loved us, etc. etc.), but I wish I had something tangible to put in Cambria's scrapbook.  I guess I can print out the post on FB that she tagged me in.  Her birth grandma sent me a message asking me to give her a kiss from her and to tell Cambria that she loves her.  Which I did.  That was so sweet.

I just read this blog written by a birthmother (I've read it before, but it has been a while.)  I didn't get thru all the posts, so I don't know all the details, but she doesn't have contact with her birth daugther who is over 18 now.  I'm not sure why.  But I was bawling reading the blog.  Tears and everything.  The pain this woman feels over the loss of her daughter is so palpable and raw.  This is why I'm happy we have an open adoption.  If Cambria wants to have contact with her birth family, that is fine with us.  That is why I am keeping in contact with them and keeping the lines of communication open.  So there won't be any mystery about her birth family.  Cambria has 2 families that absolutely love and adore her.  I always ask her birth mother lots of questions about her and her family, so that when Cambria is old enough to ask the questions, I will have lots of answers.  I found out that her birth grandfather is Italian!  That is wonderful!  When I was younger, I always wanted to be Italian!  My 2 best childhood friends were Italian, and I loved hanging out with them and wanted to be like them.  And the food their mothers made was amazing!  Isn't it ironic that my favorite type of food is Italian?!    That little girl and I were meant to find each other!  That little girl....you know, my daughter!

Birthday Girl

My amazing photographer took some pictures of Cambria for her 1st birthday.  They turned out great!

I love, love, love this picture! 

This is my favorite picture of my baby girl!  Gawd, she is sooo cute!! 

She is so happy!

Also- Cambria has a new cousin! Her birth mom's sister had a baby boy today! He is so cute. 2 days before Cambria's due date of Oct. 10th last year. Interesting timing!

Home Sweet Home

One year ago yesterday, we brought Cambria home.   Ahhhh, home sweet home!  And after I wrote that last post on Oct. 2nd, Cambria took her first steps!!  What a great anniversary!  :)

Everybody immediately loved her when we got home from the airport.  My boys, my dogs, my parents, my friends, etc.  It was such an amazing time in our lives filled with love and happiness.  She has filled our lives with so much joy in just one year...can't wait to spend the next 50+ years with her!

I love you, my sweet baby girl...always and forever.  You have completed our family. 

Another Special Anniversary

1 year ago today, at 5:00 PM, the 7 day revocation period was up in NC and Cambria was ours!  (Well, the adoption wasn't finalized by the court until January, but you get what I mean!)
I have to say, that clock never moved so slow during that 7 day period!  I remember at 5:00 several of my wonderful friends texted me saying, "It's 5:00!"   Yep, it was 5:00 somewhere, in the NC time zone we were hanging out in!  I frantically started packing up our suitcases, and Cambria and I were going to board the 6:00 AM flight (yes, 6:00 AM flight!) to AZ the next morning!  (Dave had to go back home a couple days earlier and work.)

Our time in NC was coming to an end.  I was happy to go home and see my sons and introduce them to their new sister, and introduce my parents to their one and only granddaughter!  We really liked NC.  I would like to go back someday and visit again, and have Cambria see her birth mother again.

October!

October 1st!  Happy October to everyone!  This time last year we were hanging out in NC with our new bundle of joy!  Soaking up every minute of time with her.   Praying to God that her birth mother didn't change her mind and take her back.  The revocation period was over on Oct. 2nd at 5:00.  Time moved so slowly then.

And then after the revocation period was up, poof!  Time has sped by.  I can't believe my baby girl is 1 already!

What an amazing year this has been, sleep deprivation and all!

Did I mention that I am now FB friends with the new adoptive mom?  So awesome- this way we can keep in touch over the years for the girls' sake...they will be sisters, after all!  :)

Leaving the Hospital

1 year ago today, we took our daughter home from the hospital!  We didn't take her home to AZ, but we took her "home" to the hotel in NC, where we would stay until Oct. 3rd when ICPC was cleared and we were able to travel across state lines with her.

What a day that was!  Suddenly I have a new baby.  A daughter.   Oh my word, it was exhilarating and so special.  I fell instantly in love with her.

That morning before hospital discharge, the hospital photographer came in the room and took her newborn pictures.  They turned out amazing.  The nurse wheeled her birth mom (along with her birth father) down to the hospital lobby and their car, and then came back up for us.  I rode down to the lobby in a wheelchair, and Cambria was in my lap.  I have this picture of the 3 of us- Dave was standing behind us in the wheelchair. It feels like just yesterday.  I was beaming. 

But that day was bittersweet.  We were so happy, but the thing that brought us such joy brought her birth mother such heartache.

Again, I'm teary eyed thinking of this day.

Her birth parents took some time to say good bye to their precious daughter alone in the hospital room, then they put her in her carseat and we came in the room and they left.   What an image.  What a memory.  The 4 of us crying in the hospital, hugging and saying goodbye.  I can't imagine what that was like for her birth mother to give her daughter to us- strangers at the time.  I mean, I saw what it was like for her on the outside- crying and sadness.  But I wonder what it was like for her on the inside?  I'm sure she felt like she was dying on the inside.  Losing a piece of herself.  But she was strong and wise beyond her years, and knew that she couldn't give her daughter the life she wanted for her.  And so she entrusted us with her sweet daughter.  What an honor for us.

We spent the week hanging out as a family of 3 (my sons were back in AZ with my parents).  Dave and I have reflected back on that time often and with fondness.  It was easy and carefree (as much as it could be with a newborn!  HA!).....well, except for worrying about her birth mother changing her mind and taking the baby back.  Her state has a 7 day revocation period.   We took a lot of walks with the baby in the stroller, went out to eat and to the mall and, oh yeah made a few trips to the pediatrician's office there!  She had jaundice, and we kept having to get her bilirubin levels checked.  And we just hung out in the hotel room and snuggled with our new daughter.  Did I say daughter?  I finally had a daughter!

How was it so possible for me to fall in love so quickly with this baby that I did not carry in my womb for 9 months?  It wasn't just possible, it was easy!! 

God has blessed us in so many ways.  I feel like this baby and I were meant to find each other.
What an incredible journey.

Hello, My Daughter!

1 year ago today, I met my daughter for the first time!  She was born on Sept. 23, 2012 at 11:41 PM.  I flew out to NC on a red eye flight that night.  I landed in NC on Sept. 24, 2012 bright and early and met her a little after noon that day.  I met Cambria for the first time when she was a little over 12 hours old.  I still get butterflies in my stomach when I think about walking into that hospital room for the first time.  Her birth father's mom was in the room at the time, and some of her birth mother's friends were there too.  I was so nervous to meet her birth mother and her family and friends.  But they were all so nice.  I stayed for a while, then left to go pick up Dave from the airport.  We went back to the hospital, and we met her birth father.  Then we went to our hotel and took a deep breath!  "Wow, was this really happening?"  I kept thinking that to myself.   It was!  It was, it was, it was.

I still get teary eyed every time I think of that special time when Cambria was first born.  I wonder when that will stop?  Maybe I don't want it to.

We had Cambria's birthday party on Sunday.  It was so nice.  I can't believe it's been a year already.  One of the fastest years of my life!  Yesterday, on her actual birthday, I got 2 dome cakes- one was Cinderella, and one was Tinkerbell.  She LOVED that cake!  Tomorrow I'm having our photographer take her 1st birthday pictures.

I am so tired from all of the weekend festivities....I'll upload pictures later from her 1st birthday party.

1 year ago! "THE CALL"

This post is a day late.  I have been so busy since the boys went back to school.  I am constantly running in 10 different directions! 

Yesterday, September 21st, was a notalgic kind of a day.  One year ago yesterday, we got a call (also known in adoption circles as "THE CALL"!) that would change our lives forever....for the better.
The call was to let us know that we were matched, we were chosen by an expectant mom in NC to adopt her baby girl.  OMG!  Can you say holy happiness!  Gah, I still have butterflies in my stomach when I think of this special, amazing, exciting time last year!  We were finally going to be parents to a baby girl!  My sons were finally going to have a baby sister!

She was due on October 10th.  So we still had 19 days to go....to plan and prepare last minute details.  19 days!  Or so we thought. 

It was so hard to keep this exciting news to ourselves.  My husband said not to tell anyone (except for our family and really close friends) this time around.  We had a horrible adoption fall-through 18 months (from the due date) before, and it just made us relive the nightmare when we had to explain to everyone what had happened.

I was so damn giddy with excitement, but nervous and scared.  Not nervous and scared that we would back out again, but that the expectant mom would back out this time.

D and I had made plans that morning to go see that movie "Trou.ble With the Cur.ve" later that night.  All I knew was that it was a baseball movie and I knew who were the main actors in it.  JT- anyone?!  :)

So then we got the call around 2:00 that day.  I was BUSTING with excitement when I went to pick up the kids from school.  But Jacob had his friend in the car with us for a playdate, so I couldn't say anything yet....

That night D and I went to the movie and guess where it took place at?  Yep, you guessed it- North Carolina!!  I just knew then that this was meant to be, and this sweet baby that I was already falling in love with would be our daughter!

I knew about this adoption situation back in June of 2012.  We had applied to be shown to her, but our profile was not shown to her in the first showing.  (Well, she couldn't open the link to our adoption profile.) She picked a different adoptive family.  Then she was told to pick a back-up family, and she could open our profile book at that time, and she picked us.  I wouldn't find out this piece of information until 3 months later when I was sitting holding Cambria in her birth mom's hospital room!  I remember feeling so disappointed back in June of 2012 when we found out we were not chosen.  For some reason, I really felt a connection to these people and felt like this was the right adoption situation for us.  So on Sept. 20th, the day before we got "THE CALL", the original adoptive family withdrew from the adoption.  I don't really know the details, but at that point Cambria's birthmom said she had to find another adoptive family for her baby before she had the baby...and the due date was Oct. 10th and was coming up soon.  On Sept. 21st, she looked at profile books again, and picked us!  When I found out it was this particular expectant mom that had picked us, I was sooo excited, saying "This was the adoption situation that I really wanted to be chosen for!"

Can you say "meant to be?!

I really haven't talked about the details of our adoption much on the blog or on FB.  It brings tears to my eyes while writing about the personal details one year later....tears of joy, of course.

I went to sleep on Sept. 21, 2012 feeling so extremely happy and hopeful.
I still hadn't talked to her birthmom yet.  But I couldn't wait to talk to this brave, strong  woman.

As a side note, I've had many people tell me over the past year that I seem so happy and content since Cambria has joined our family.  It's true.  I am.  She was the missing piece to our puzzle.

Do you belive in fate and destiny?  I sure do.

Warm Up

3 posts 3 days in a row!




At first when I saw this, I thought oh yeah, this is true and inspiring, blah blah blah.  But then I looked at it a different way....like when my husband was really sick and almost died a few years ago.  Was that the warm-up?  Gawd, I hope not!!  That was horrible and scary and I can't imagine having to go thru worse stuff than that or have him be sicker than that. 

On a different spin, my middle schooler says his teachers give them warm ups to do at the beginning of class....little warm up worksheets to do.

That is all.

Tears & Squeals

2 posts 2 days in a row-WOW!  What's up with that?!?!

I was gone down in Phoenix all day today for a neurology appt.  I met up with my BFF for lunch beforehand and a little shopping.  It was a nice day, minus this hideous amount of rain we have been getting.  As I was driving back into town, I met Dave and the kiddos for dinner.  Cami saw me in the parking lot of the restaurant, and started laughing and squealing and outstretched her arms for me to pick her up.  OMG you guys, my heart melted!  Then a while later, I got up from the table to use the restroom at the restaurant, and she started crying!  Never mind that Dave and her 3 brothers were still at the table right next to her.....she cried for me!  And I was only gone for 10 hours today!  (I guess that is a lot of time to be apart when she and I are normally attached at the hip all day long!)

I love that girl so much....I hope she knows that. 

Nostalgia- From a Different Point of View

I talked to Cambria's birthmom twice in the past week.  She is pregnant again, and is placing Cambria's birth sibling for adoption.  This has hit me harder than I thought it would.  I hope that I can have some contact with the new adoptive family so the siblings can have contact when they are older.

Anyways, she was talking about things leading up to the placement of Cambria.   Nostalgia- from a different point of view.  It is so interesting to hear how things were going for her while at the same time remembering how I was jumping around like a crazy fool throwing my stuff into a suitcase and racing to the airport!  She was so sad knowing she was going to place her sweet daughter into another family's arms and I was so ecstatic with the news that I was finally going to have a daughter to love and cherish...and spoil.  ;)
She was worried that after the last family withdrew from the match, that she wasn't going to find another adoptive family.  I was so worried that she was going to change her mind and parent.
I did tell her birthmom that although it sucked for her birthmom to have the match disrupted so close to her delivery date, that I'm glad the other family backed out because I get to have Cambria as my daughter.  I also said that I sometimes think about this other adoptive mother and say what she is missing out on by not getting to raise Cambria...because she is the most amazing baby girl.  Besides me- right, mom?!  :)

I'm not sure if I had mentioned this on this blog before, but she was matched with a different family for several months, and they had to withdraw from the match at the last minute.  So then we got the call.  2 days before she went into labor.  How weird and scary it must have been for Cambria's birthmom to suddenly lose the security she felt with having this adoptive family picked out for all those months, and have that disappear in an instant.  And then POOF! this new family shows up (she picked us, but still....she didn't know us for very long at all).  I have heard many people's opinions on the openness of our adoption...some think it is great to have this open of a relationship, and others tell me that I should make it more closed.  I am trying to do right by her birthmom.  Especially since she didn't know us for very long before she placed her baby in our arms forever.  It's like we are building the relationship after the fact....getting to know each other after we brought her daughter home to be our daugther.  And every time I talk to her, I learn a little more about her birthmom, her extended birth family and the pregnancy.  More things to tell Cambria when she is older.....cuz I know she's gonna want to know.  

Maybe I'm naive....I sort of think that if I have this open adoption and the information about her adoption and birth family is always available from day one to Cambria (her birth parent's picture is on her dresser), that when she is 18 she won't think of her adoption as mysterious and suddenly run off and try and reunite with her birth family and live happily ever after....because she'll have grown up knowing them all along.

Anyways- I ordered Cambria's 1st birthday outfit for her party today.  OMG- so cute!

September! Nostalgia!

Sept. 4th...already?!?!  On this day last year, Cambria was making her way to enter the world in 19 more days...on September 23rd!  The only thing?  I didn't know it at the time!  I didn't get "The Call" until Sept. 21st that she was going to be my baby girl, and at that point, I thought I had a little more time to get everything ready for her arrival!  She was due October 10th.  So I had 19 more days from that day until October 10th to prepare, or so I thought.  That's weird that both are 19 days apart!

Anyways...I only told a few close people that we were matched.  I was still stinging from our horrible adoption fall-through the year before.  Sunday the 23rd I was taking my kids to the pool for swimming lessons, and I got another important call....Cambria's birthmom J was in labor!  5 cm dilated!  In a state that was literally on the other side of the country!  I remember being at the pool while they were at their lessons, and I was pacing and so fidgety and giddy and excited!!  Dave booked me a flight on the red eye, my parents came up to my house, and my dad drove me to the airport!  I talked to J on the phone on the way to the airport, Cambria had been born, and she was definitely a she (no surprises!).   I was about to get on the plane, and I knew that no matter what happened, my life would never be the same again!

A really hard part of all of this was that we didn't tell very many people.  It was so hard to talk about our previous failed adoption.  I knew I couldn't face everyone in my small town if this adoption fell through also.  I had to wait until October 2nd to post anything on FB...that's when her revocation period ended.  I was dying to share my exciting news with everyone!  I remember texting my close friends and mom the daily picture of Cambria until I could post pics on FB.  :)

It was such an exciting, exhilarating time in my life.  Meeting my daughter for the first time, bringing her home, etc.  I know Cambria is our last baby.  I am ok with that.  But I am sad that I won't get to experience that moment in time again.  This moment is so different with an adoption vs. actually delivering the baby yourself, obviously.  I am glad I got to experience both, as I've said before.  But the interesting thing?  If I were to ever do it again, I'd want to do another adoption vs. have a biological baby.  I've had 3 children, and maybe it's because I had such hideous pregnancies, but I don't really want to be pregnant again.

The only thing that sucks about this?  There are 2 birthparents, on the other side of the country, that had to lose a piece of themselves and be heartbroken so that I can experience the joys of raising a daughter.

In honor of Cambria and her birthday this month, I think I'll blog a little bit each time about her birth story.  I don't think I've ever talked about it on FB.

First Day of School Pics

I'm finally getting these pictures uploaded!

                                                          Joshie on his 1st day of kindergarten!

                                              Small, Medium & Large!  Josh, Jake, & Zack
                                         Notice the smile on Zack's face....before he realizes how much homework he wil have this school year!

                                                     Jakey is all smiles on the 1st day of 3rd grade!  (Notice his skin issues on his knees....see previous posts about this.)

Zack on the 1st day of 6th grade.  I have a middle schooler!  Notice his new backpack.... Dave said gone are the days of  getting him a backpack from Pottery Barn Kids with his name embroidered on it (and with the matching lunch box!  lol)  now that he is in middle school!  So Nor.th Face it is!

Daddy and Cambria--she looks so cute on the first day of school!  Notice her darling little shoes...which she yanked off after a few minutes!   They are in the doorway of Josh's kindergarten classroom.

 

What a day it was!!  I went to breakfast after school drop-off with my friends for our annual first day of school "Boo hoo woo hoo" breakfast!  Then Cambria went to lunch with mommy and daddy!

Catch-up (As Opposed to Ketchup!)

Wow, I have become quite the bad blogger.  The last 3 weeks have flown by since school has started.  I haven't blogged since I took Jacob to the pediatric dermatolgist down in Phoenix.  He said actually his 1st impression is pediatric psoriasis, and pityr.iasis rub.ra pil.aris would be his 2nd.  Even though the biospy said psoriaform (as opposed to psoriasis) and then the pathologist reviewed the biopsy slide again and saw pictures the general dermatologist sent to him and said pityr.iasis rub.ra pil.aris, the peds derm doctor said he still thinks it's pediatric psoriasis.  Well, crap.  He reminded the residents in the room with him to treat the patient, not the lab test.  Yep, do you know how many times I heard that statement during my training?  And the specialist reminded me that the biopsy was taken a week after Jacob had been on heavy duty steroid creams- which alter the biopsy specimen site.   Kind of like taking a strep throat culture after you've been on antibiotics for a few days!

OK so anyways, what do we do from here?  It actually looks much better than it did back in June.  But it's not totally gone.  Both of those diseases can be treated with steroid creams.  PRP eventually goes away forever.  Psoriasis usually does not.  :(
It's kind of a waiting game at this point.  It's pretty sad when my 8 year old says he hopes he has PRP and not psoriasis- and says all of the words and pronounces them all correctly.   We are supposed to apply the cream twice a day every day to see if we can completely eradicate it.  Then take him back in October and if it's not totally gone, he recommended metho.trexate.  Holy cow.  Dave and I are not really fans of this treatment option.

Jacob told me at the peds derm appt that the kids at school have, in fact been asking him what's on his skin.   I didn't realize that.  UGH!  His response?  He said, "why do you need to know?"    God, I love that kid!!

3rd grade is going well for Jacob.  He has a great teacher.  Other parents had warned me that his teacher gives a LOT of homework.  Well, compared to the amount that Zack is getting this year, Jake's homework isn't too bad.  He's also doing tennis lessons, soccer, guitar lessons, and will start religion class (CCD, anyone?)  next week.  Overschedule much?!

Zachary is surviving middle school.  I made a comment today on a picture I posted on FB from the first day of school that Zack was actually smiling big in the picture- obviously before he realized what kind of homework he was going to be in store for this school year!  Honors 6th grade math- zoinks!  He is doing fall baseball with a travel baseball team.  And guitar lessons.  And trying to have playdates with his friends too.

Joshua is doing well in kindergarten.  He has finally settled in.  He was so tired the first couple weeks and did not want to sit still in circle time, or stand still in line on the way to the lunchroom- he preferred to twirl in circles in the hallway.  Oy!  That's my little free spirit!  He asked me yesterday if he could go to school- it was a Sunday!  He loves his teacher.  He is doing tennis lessons this year too and soccer.

Cambria is 11 months old.  My little baby!  She isn't such a little baby anymore.  :(
She has 7 teeth!  And now says this and that (more like dis and dat) and waves and has clapped a few times.  She has stood up on her own for 3 seconds.  I wonder if she will walk before or after her 1st birthday?  Speaking of her birthday....I am still trying to figure out what to do for her party.  With my oldest son, I had his party planned out like 3 months in advance!  lol

I am getting back into working out.  And I am so pooped.  I have to train for his half-marathon in January.  I've been having lots of fun lately with my friends getting together for birthays, etc. 

D has been working or golfing.  Or helping Zack with his crazy math homework!

That's about it for the family update.

I do have a question, though.  What is with all of the negative comments about Ben Affleck playing Batman?  I mean, really!  With all of the truly bad stuff going on in the world today, people are focusing on this?   Ridiculous!  And while he may not be the best choice, I'm sure he will do a better job in the role than any of these people who are criticizing him!  SMH.....

A Little Funny...

Hahaha!  OK, this is kinda bad, but I love it anyways!!  And life does throw a lot of crap at me.....thank God I do have cute kids!  ;)

I'm taking Jacob to the pediatric dermatologist this afternoon about his bizarre skin rash.  I'm curious to see what he has to say.

That's all for now....I've got a ton to do before I head down to Phoenix to his appt.

Love

Isn't this said so perfectly? 

It IS Beneficial!

Yesterday was the first day of school for my 3 boys (6th grade, 3rd grade, and kindergarten).  It went pretty well!  All the boys like their teachers.  Zack and Jake already had playdates after school today!  I only have a few seconds to type a post right now, so I don't have time to post 1st day of school pics yet. 

Jacob's 3rd grade teacher has a class blog!  He posts questions/ assignments on there, and the kids have to reply in the comments section!  Thankfully I have a blog, so I have some sort of a clue as to how to navigate his homework blog!

See?  This blog does have it's benefits!  Besides sharing the daily chronicles of my interesting (??!) life and the adoption process, I know how to help my child with his homework on his class blog!  :)

One more thing....Cami has 3 new teeth!  5 teeth in all!  My big girl!  :)

Meet The Teachers

Today was meet the teacher day for my kiddos.  Hard to believe my youngest son is starting kindergarten!  He has the same classroom as Zack did 6 years ago- and I was pregnant with Joshua when Zack was in kindergarten in that same classroom!

All 3 of my sons have great teachers this year.  YES!  The Triple Crown of awesome teachers!

Summer is supposed to be relaxing--but not at my house!!  We are constantly on the go-go-go.  Yesterday I took the kiddos to the pool and met some of my friends and their kids there.  Wednesday we met some friends at this place that is kind of like Chuck E. Cheese.  Fun!  Zack had flag football games on Tuesday and Thursday nights and won! Yay!  Their team was undefeated.  He also had sleep-overs 2 nights in a row.

 I am looking forward to a little break come Monday morning after all the first-day-of-school hoopla.
I'm going to breakfast with my friends Monday morning after school drop-off. 

Then I have to have a thyroid ultrasound, to follow the 20 nodules on my thyroid.  SIGH....

Oh and did I mention I had a mammogram at my husband's office yesterday?  And the radiologist who read my mammogram is making me go back for more views of a spot in question.  Dave said not to pick out my grave site yet, it doesn't look like breast cancer, but they have to be cautious.

Jacob has to see the pediatric dermatologist for his bizarre skin rash on August 15th.

Good Lord, when does this sh*t ever end?

Oh Jacob's teacher (who is magnificent, BTW) has a class blog!  He posts a blog post weekly with some kind of question/assignment on it, and the kids have to go on the blog and write their answer!  I'm not worried about that since I write a blog myself.

That's all for now...

Confidence

The Week in Review

Monday was Zack's middle school orientation...that day parents went too.  Tuesday was 6th grade orientation- just for the students!  Monday was cool and fun.  And a bit emotional and sentimental.  How did I have a middle schooler?  Already?!  His teachers are amazing (I requested this team of teachers) and a lot of his good friends are in there too.  Plus a bunch of my friend's daughters.  In fact, his locker is surrounded by these cute girls!  No worries at this point, though....he said to me, "why does my locker have to be by all of those girls?  Why couldn't I have my locker be my this boy, or this boy, or that boy?"   Lol, we're safe on the girl front....for now!

Z and I only got in one minor tiff at orientation....he has a real locker with a combination lock on it....he is left-handed, and kept turning it left first.  Lol, how many of you remember it's right, left and then right again?!  He didn't want to listen to ol' mom, who has been there, done that with the lockers and combo locks a million times.  Oy!  Anyways, so on Tuesday I asked him if he went and found his locker and practiced his combo again.  His response?  "No, I couldn't remember where my locker was!"  Oh dear, it's gonna be a long year!

And I snuck in a wonderful pedicure on Tuesday.

Wednesday Jacob had his follow-up derm appt for his weird skin rash.  Now it looks like his rash is actually this pretty rare thing...called pityr.iasis rub.ra pilar.is.   Google image it- you'll get to see what my poor son is dealing with.  :(     He has been seeing a general dermatologist in my small town.  I decided to take him to see the peds dermatologist down in Phoenix.  He is thee guru of peds derm- I'm so excited I got an appt for Jacob on August 15th with him!  I thought it would be like January before they could get him in.  I met this doctor in my internship...when I was doing my inpatient peds rotation- he consulted on this baby girl with a skin condition...he knew what it was right away.  I just want him to see Jacob at least once to absolutely make sure this is what he has.  The dermato.pathologist read the skin biopsy as "psoria-form"....not straight up psori.asis.  So I started thinking it wasn't psor.iasis.  Anyways, I'll keep you posted.

Then my 5 year old went to his friend's house for a playdate with a couple other friends from their preschool.  So cute!  And my middle son ended up getting invited to stay for the playdate too!

Zack went to a birthday party sleepover on Wed-Thurs.   Then on Thursday I got to take him to the doctor to get his 11 year old immunizations for school.  Not fun at all.  My baby girl  didn't even cry the last time I took her to get immunizations!  Anyways, on Monday I'm going to take a copy of his shot record book to school and then I'm gonna have him find his locker and open the lock.  I don't want any surprises on the first day of middle school!

Friday I took the kids to a playdate with a bunch of my friends and their kids.  Zack went to another birthday party last night.

Today D is taking my oldest two sons plus my parents to the Diamond.backs game.  That team has been on fire lately!  They won 10-0 last night!

And in the afternoons this week, my kids have been going to this fun class at the local community college- they do these college for kids classes in the summer- so fun!

My week- does it sound exhausting to you?  This is my life, every single week!  There was more stuff to occupy my time, too.  These were just the highlights!

One more week of summer vacation left, and my kids start school on August 5th.  I will have a 6th grader, 3rd grader, and a kindergartener.  Amazing!  It will just be Cami and me during the days all week.

Oh- I almost forgot...the update on D's sister in law.  Since she deleted me on FB and D is never on FB, we don't get a lot of updates, and not in a timely fashion.  My BFF told me the SIL posted a pic from the hospital.... she had another brain surgery.  His brother texted my hubby yesterday (yes- texted, not even worthy of a phone call!)  about the surgery...acting as if we knew she was even having surgery!  What the?!?!   Ummm sorry buddy, I think you skipped a few steps.  The surgery went well, and they're just waiting on the pathology results.

OK moving on to other topics....I get to go away in August for 2 different girls' weekend getaways down to resorts in Scotts.dale!  YAY!  Much needed after the back-to-school frenzy.  And another friend is having a 40th bday celebration up here on one of those weekends that I have to miss cuz I'll be at the girls' weekend getaway!  Bummer!

I swear that Cambria now says "this" and "that"!  So cute!  More like "dis" and "dat", but whatever!  I sent in the form to get her amended birth certificate this week.  And then I can order her a social security card.  And then everything will be all done with regards to the adoption.  She turned 10 months this week.  What a wonderful 10 months it has been having her in our family.  We are all absolutely so smitten and so in love with her.  :)

Health Updates

We're back from Maui- back to reality and my real life.  I woke up with a headache today...yep, that's my real life.  UGH.

Jacob has his follow-up derm appt this Wednesday.  But so far the results are most consistent with psoriasis.  I'm happy it's not one of the other auto-immune diseases, but it still sucks for an 8 year old to have this.  Psoriasis is an inflammatory condition, and there has been a lot of talk about inflammation and the damaging effects on the body.  People with psoriasis have a higher incidence of heart disease.  And lymphoma.  :(    I don't want the kids at school to make fun of him for the way his hands look.  The elbows, knees and feet are easier to cover up, especially in the winter.  Last night he was fighting me on putting on the cream, and I said I didn't want the kids to make fun of him.  His response?  "The kids won't make fun of me!"   Gah, he's such a love bug and so sweet and would never imagine the other kids would make fun of him.  Oy.  He's pretty popular at school, has lots of friends and has not been subjected to cruelty by other kids yet.  The sea salt tropical air and beach helped his skin out.  His poor hands and feet looked so terrible and painful- red, cracking, peeling....ouch.  8 years old having to deal with this...probably forever.

In other news, I think my husband's sister-in-law's brain tumor (GB.M) is back.  I don't know for sure, though because she deleted me from Facebook!  She is, however, still FB friends with my BFF (nice, huh?!) and posted some cryptic post about receiving bad news, and I know she was recently at MD And.erson for a check-up.  We are always the last to find out anything from them, they hardly ever call us or call us back, so I guess we'll wait to hear the news thru the grapevine.  In May I had told her we had been distracted because of my ovarian mass, and I was scared that I had ovarian cancer with 4 little kids and that I was having surgery on May 30th.  I figured as a cancer survivor, that she would understand my worries and situation.  She never replied back to acknowledge that I was having a health scare and was having surgery, never checked on me and apparently never told my husband's brother that I was having surgery either.   And if her cancer is back, she'll never have to answer the hard questions....why she treats me like shit....why she is a hypocrite....blah blah blah...because I would look like the bad guy then for putting her in the hot seat with these questions when she has cancer.   Karma is a bitch.  I'm not gonna mess with karma!  I guess it doesn't really matter why she treats me the way she does.  Right?  It doesn't matter why she didn't acknowledge that I had a daugther for almost 3 months.  It doesn't matter why she deleted me from FB for not wishing her a happy birthday when she didn't wish me happy birthday 4 months earlier!  It doesn't matter why she she didn't delete my husband from FB when he didn't wish her a happy birthday either.  I've asked her the questions, and she didn't answer them.  Oh well.

How many of you have ever had a so-called family member delete you on FB?  It's so silly, really.  When there are bigger things to worry about, like cancer.

Dave has been reading a lot on auto-immune disease and dietary changes.  We are considering doing a version of the Paleo diet to see if it helps with Jacob's skin.
In an effort to get healthy again myself, I have made a few changes in my life.  I recently signed up for the Disney.land Tink.erbell 1/2 marathon in January.  Holy cannoli, what have I done?!  haha!  I am going to run it with my BFF from medical school.  I have 6 months to train.  I better get runnin'.
I have also signed up for a Cross.Fit class thru the local community college.  Yep, that's right...this doctor is now a college student again!  They have childcare there too.  The instructor is my personal trainer, and a bunch of my friends did this class last year and they kept asking me to go too.  I had sprained my ankle really badly, then Cambria arrived, then Dave had gall bladder surgery, then I had mono, then I had pneumonia, then I had a hysterectomy, then I had blah blah blah...you get the picture!  So the time is now to do it.  Class starts in a month.  And she teaches a BO.SU class once a week that I've been to also.  So between Cross.Fit, Bo.su, and running, I should be skinny again by January.  Believe it or not, I used to be skinny and be 115 lbs before I moved to this town.  Even after I had my first child, I was back down to 122. 

I have a million things to do to play catch-up since I just got home from Maui.  Oh, I almost forgot to mention...a few hours after I got home from Hawaii, my college roommate texted and said they were on their way to my town, her daughter was playing in a softball tournament at the fields 8 minutes from my house!  No way!  So I took a few hour nap, and made myself somewhat presentable, and went and met her at the game.  It was so nice to see her and her family again, and I forgot how much I used to laugh when I was around her.  I took the kids to the softball field yesterday, and she got to meet my kids.  Fun times!

Tomorrow I take my first-born child to his middle school orientation.  Again, holy cannoli!  Middle school already!  How did this happen?  I have to take him this week for his 11-12 year old immunizations.  Yeah, he's not too happy about that.  While we were in Hawaii, his All-Star team went to state, and lost.  :(     So sad.

Joshie starts kindergarten in 2 weeks.  I think I am more nervous than he is!

I am going to go feed Cambria her bottle and snuggle with her. 

Jacob update

I got a quick message from the dermatologist yesterday.  Jacob's biopsy and labs are not consistent with dermatomyositis or lupus.  Whew!  I didn't suspect lupus, but it was good to be complete.  Lupus is more common in females.   OK so this begs the question- what the hell is causing this weird rash?  And his poor  hands and feet are dry, peeling and cracked.  Ouch.  The redness is improving, tho.  I am constantly chasing him around with steroid creams and Eucerin cream and Aquaphor.  And guess what?  He runs the other way.   Sigh....  He's 8- what do you expect, right?   Interesting that the insides of the cream tubes don't  have any rashes!  HA!

We're having fun in Hawaii, despite Jacob's derm issues.  Cambria is napping now, so I have a few minutes to blog.  Dave took the boys swimming with our friends that are here also.  This is our 3rd time coming to Maui at the same time as them!

Cami is crawling forward more now- my big girl!  Regular crawling and army crawling.  She waves.  She imitates some noises I make.  So cute!   We went to the luau last night.  She actually fell asleep at the end- even with the loud drums in the background!

Jacob and Zachary and Dave went surfing the other day- they did great for their first surfing lesson!  :)

That's all for now....

Crazy Train

Jacob had to have a skin biopsy of  this weird rash and he had 7 tubes of blood drawn last week.  We are still waiting on the results.  The red rash was also over his knuckles, and this other medical condition called dermato.myositis was in the differential diagnosis.   He
was bawling in the office during the biopsy, and so was I.  Dermato.myositis can be fatal, or leave a person wheelchair-bound.

Can you say holy crapola?  I was a wreck for days.

And also....have you seen the news coverage about the 19 fallen firefighters?   Yeah, they would be from my town.  I've seen a bunch of pictures on FB of the funeral procession bringing them back to town from the medical examiner's office in Phoenix.   Such an image.
Sucks big time.

Life feels like such a crazy train lately.  Sigh...

Head Spinning

I really don't feel like blogging.  Gosh, 1-2 years ago, you couldn't shut me up on my private adoption blog.  Lately I've been like "Meh.  Blog or do other things...hmmm.....do other things." 

I have been so busy.  Crazier than usual, if that is even possible.  We leave for Hawaii very soon, and I don't have any packing done.  We are renewing our vows on the beach there.  I'm excited for that.

Zachary's baseball schedule has my head spinning.  He finished the regular Little League season (can I get a woot woot?!)  and just when I was starting to relax and smile.....Ring Ring!  Hi, your child has been nominated for the All Stars baseball team!  Say what?!?!  All Stars was 2 weeks of baseball practice every night except for Sundays in June, and then a week of tournaments starting June 22nd.  Guess what?  His All Star team WON!  Yes, they won the district championships in our district in Arizona!  Holy cow!  I don't think they were expected to win!  The team they played really made the boys work for the championship title, though.  Tough games!   So now they go to the state championship tournament down in Phoenix in a couple weeks.   Guess who will be in Hawaii....Oy.

Then we had Cambria baptized and my BFF's and family were there and we had a little party.

Then we had Zack's 11th birthday party at the pool.  Super fun.

Then Jacob started getting this weird rash on his elbows and knees and hands and feet.  His hands and feet are red and swollen.  Hard to bend his fingers, hurts to walk.  I took him to the dermatologist who said psoriasis.  Which I suspected.  But then he said it might be juvenile psoriatic arthritis (think Phil Mickelson) and if he doesn't get better in a week, I will have to take him to the pediatric rheumatologist.  Holy cow, I don't want my 8 year old son on steroids and taking those biologics like Enbrel or Humira at 8 years old.  His palms and soles of his feet and knuckles are red and now the skin is peeling.  I turned to my friend Google and am scared it might be dermatomyositis instead of psoriasis.  I think dermatomyositis can be fatal in a few cases.  His fingers hurt some days.  It breaks my heart.  I love that kid so much (I mean, I love all of my kids....you know what I mean.) and I am terrified that this is something bad.   I take him back to the dermatologist tomorrow for a follow-up appt.  He will probably need a skin biopsy.  But then we leave for Hawaii soon.   Do I take him to Hawaii with stitches in?  And then he can't swim and get the stitches soaking wet.  Poor kid.

I know, I know....some people would kill to have my problems....take my son to Hawaii with stitches in?   Wah wah wah!     Like the people in my small town that have been affected by this hideoous wild fire that killed 19 of our Ho.t Sho.t fire.fight.ers.  I'm sure you've heard about it- it made the national news.  Friends of my friends lost friends and family members who were part of the Ho.t Sho.ts fire.fight.ers team.  So sad.   My aunt and two cousins died in a fire when my grandmother's house burned down years ago.  I feel their pain.

Wow, I am in a funk.

Let's see...what else can I over-share with you all?  I don't live in the south, so I don't feel right saying y'all!  ;)

Cambria is going to be a big sister!  No, I'm not pregnant.  I just had a hysterectomy 4 1/2 weeks ago!  Zachary likes to tell people, "my mom can't have any more kids."  I'm not sure why he tells people that?!  And we aren't planning on adopting again.  Cambria's birth mother is pregnant again.  With her new boyfriend.  She is planning on parenting her new baby. 

Please pray for my son Jacob and hope that his skin issue and joint pains turn out not to be serious.
I was in the grocery store today standing in line-- in the 15 items or less line and this guy 2 people in front of me was yapping up a storm and arguing over the price of just about every one of his 15 items.  I was so irritable and was ready to tell him to STFU and move along and let the rest of us check out.  Jacob was bugging me about buying him every type of candy in the check-out line.  Cami started fussing in her car seat carrier- she was done and wanted out while we were standing in this line.  My head started spinning and my stomach was doing nervous flip flops and was in knots.  I was having a panic attack.  I was freaking out about Jacob and was so scared this skin issue might be something really serious.  Dave called me when I was in line.  I walked out to the parking lot and started bawling and hyperventilating in the parking lot of the grocery store.  What a mess I was.  He asked me, "where are you?!?!"  Then I sat in my SUV and finished crying and talking to him.  I think I read too many facebook pages of pediatric cancer patients.  Now I worry that my kids have cancer too. 

I haven't been sleeping well lately.  (No surprise there, right?)  Last night I had a nightmare.  Let me give you the backstory--not a dream.  I am supposed to run in the Tinkerbell half-marathon in January with my BFF Missy at Disneyland.  I can't start running for another week and a half because of my surgery.  OK now here is the nightmare part- I dreamt that I showed up to the race and was wearing white see-thru bike shorts and had these tight white jean shorts over the spandex bike shorts.  So I'm at the race, and can't lift or bend my legs very well because I'm wearing these tight jean shorts!  What the heck?!  And then I realize I forgot to bring water and power bars or anything else to eat.  How am I supposed to run 13 miles in these ridiculous shorts and with no water or food?!

Like I said, my head is spinning. 

I can't wait to be chillin' on the beach in Maui with my loves.

Birthday Boy

My oldest son Zachary turned 11 yesterday.  He had a pretty great day.  He started it off by going to fishing camp at a nearby lake with some other kids.  He caught a bunch of crawfish.  Then we went to his birthday lunch at Red Lobster (his choice for crab legs!).  Zack and Jake were not too happy with us when we wouldn't let them take the crawfish home with us!  We were going straight to lunch, and then a few other places.  We weren't going to be home for hours, so we didn't want their catch stinking up our car!  He had crab legs, a strawberry smoothie, and cheesecake.  Perfect meal!  Then we went to Target and he got a new fishing pole.   Then last night, he played in the All Stars baseball game.  It was a great game.  Then in the last inning, his team was winning 11-8 (but the other team had just had a hitting streak and got a home run), bases were loaded, and Zack's coach put him in to pitch!  Holy moly!  He hadn't pitched in a year.....since the baseball season before this one!  He had been mostly playing 3rd base this year.  So anyways, no pressure at all, right?  Bases loaded, tying runs on base....Zack goes to warm up and while doing so, accidentally hits the umpire in the chest with the ball!  Oh Lord, this is not going well! 

I was so nervous, so I got up and went and hid out in the bathroom while he was pitching!   Nervous Nellie over here!  And you get in trouble at these games if you try to coach them from the sidelines or say too much stuff.

So while I am hiding out like a wimp in the bathroom, I hear screams from the crowd.  OH NO!  Are they from our team or the other team?

No pressure at all for my kid on the pitcher's mound!  HA!  Oh, and did I mention that the game was supposed to start at 8:00 PM?  Well, we were waiting on the ump....for an hour and a half!  He was umping another game at the field next to ours, and it went into overtime.  Sheesh!  So Zack's game finally ended at 11:30.  He's on the pitcher's mound dead tired at 11:20 PM!  Isn't that nuts?  The games are at a central location in a different city.  We got home at 1:00 AM!  YIKES!

Oh so I didn't mention the outcome yet?!  haha!  Zack worked some magic out there for sure, and his team won!  And the best part?  Wait for it.....he got the game ball for "the save"!  What a great birthday present!

The perfect ending to a wonderful birthday!

One Year Ago

Wow, I haven't blogged since June 7th!  Every time I think I want to blog, I don't have time to write a good blog post or I don't have the energy.  I can finally drive again after my surgery, so I've been busy doing just that.  Driving 4 kiddos around town and being busy on summer vacation.  I am exhausted.  It's only been 2 and a half weeks since I had surgery.  My body lets me know when I am overdoing it.  Thank you, body of mine!  HA!

Like yesterday.  It was a perfect day to write a great post.  But alas, I did not blog yesterday.  One year ago yesterday, I found out about Cambria and her birth mom and her adoption plans.  I can't remember if I shared the story or not.  It's cool the way it unfolded.  We applied to be shown to her birthmom last June.  We were not picked.  I was crushed.  (OK, this isn't the cool part!  HA!)  I mean, we had been passed over many times on our adoption journey, and none of those "rejections" got to me the way this one did.  I really felt like this was the adoption situation that was meant for us.   I remember going to physical therapy for my ankle and I was standing outside the building, and the adoption professional told me we weren't picked.  I STILL to this day remember that conversation, where I was standing right outside the front door of the physical therapy office when she told me we weren't picked.  I called a couple of my closest adoption friends and told them the bad news.  I was so bummed.  Anyways, moving on....we actually had gotten picked a few times after that day over the summer for other matches (one was a hospital call in Phoenix, all we had to do was get in the car and drive an hour and a half to go get our daugher....and we declined the match.)   These situations weren't right for us, we felt in our hearts.  It was like my gut was practically screaming at me to sit down, and take a time out and just wait.  Wait.   Just wait.  For the right situation.  Then, on September 21, 2012, we got "THE CALL".  When I least expected it.  The adoptive family had to withdraw from the match, and Cambria's birth mom picked us to be the adoptive parents to her baby.  Say wha???   I was shocked! 

Well, come to find out, we were 2nd choice all along.  To hear Cambria's birthmom's side of the story is even cooler!  She received the adoptive parent profile books via email.  She looked at them. She couldn't open our link.  She picked a different adoptive family.  Then the adoption professional told her to pick a back-up choice of adoptive parents.  Then she was able to open our profile book, and she picked us as her 2nd choice/ back-up choice.  

We were the back-up choice all along...for 3 months....and I had no idea!  So then on Sept. 21st, she looked at profile books again since the first family had to withdraw, and she came across our profile book, and picked us again.

One year ago today this little girl made such a huge impact on me, and she wasn't even born yet!

Some days I still can't believe how it all worked out!  How thru the ups and downs and twists and turns, the stars aligned and she crossed paths with Dave and me, and became our daughter.

And I am ever so thankful and grateful and blessed and....happy.  :)

Eyes

I should have also mentioned in my blog post yesterday...when I talked about choosing the egg donor who had the striking eyes, that her eyes looked nothing like mine or Dave's or my kids' eyes.  They were just beautiful. 

In reality, my daughter's eyes look like my eyes.   They are crazy beautiful blue, just like mine.  See, God has a plan.  He absolutely knows what he is doing!  I didn't always believe it when we were going thru the ups and downs of adoption and trying to grow our family.
I was so busy going in every direction trying to figure out how to grow our family and making myself (and those around me!) nuts in the process.  I wish I would have relaxed more and sat back and been patient for our baby girl to arrive...all in God's timing. 

P.S. Let me clarify....I am in no way saying that your adopted kids have to have the same eyes as you.
It doesn't matter at all.  I am just talking about the irony of my situation...that I wanted to pick this egg donor who had beautiful eyes that didn't look like anyone in my family.  Then we decided to pursue adoption, and our baby girl ended up having eyes that look like mine and my son Jacob! 

IVF/Adoption/Endometriosis

About a year before Cami arrived, I went to see the fertility (infertility?) specialist about doing IVF.  I had seen him 6 months before too.  Then we were matched with that birthmom in San Francisco.  So when that match fell apart in April, I took some time to collect my thoughts and in the summer decided to see the IVF doctor again.  I was told my hormone levels took a dump, and to optimize chances of getting pregnant, they recommended I use an egg donor.  I was ok with that.  After all, I was planning on adopting.  I started looking through the egg donor profiles.  I picked this young woman who had striking eyes.  She was in the middle of another cycle with another family, so we would have to wait until she was done with that to begin our cycle with her.

Then DH (dear hubby) announced that he preferred to adopt instead of using an egg donor.  He said it would put us on an even playing field if neither one of us was related to the baby biologically.  Whereas, with an egg donor, it would be his biological baby but not mine and an uneven playing field of sorts. Okayyyy......  I guess I couldn't really argue with him, especially since he was the one working his ass off and paying for this adoption/ IVF costs.

How weird is it that I had to have a hysterectomy 8 months after we adopted a baby?  And not before?  I am glad of the timing.  Is that weird?  That we chose to adopt not because it was our only choice, but because we thought it was the better choice at the time?  Instead of IVF, with a baby that would be half our ours biologically after we already had 3 bio kids?  At that time, I thought that I could still get pregnant and carry a child.  And we still opted to go the adoption route.  (I'm so happy we did!)

After my surgery one week ago today, I think the chances of me getting pregnant were extremely slim.  I'm so glad we didn't fork over the $$$ and put my body thru the meds and IVF procedures. 

Now I have to decide if I want to take Lupron.  It is a shot that lasts for 3 months to shut down endometriosis.  My doctor suggested it in the hospital to shut down any remaining endometriosis.  Good God, how bad was it in there?!  She said we could do the shot at my follow-up appt next week.  I was like "oh sure, no problem".  Well, then I started reading about the side effects of Lupron.  Holy cow!  One of the entries when I Googled it said "Are you in Lupron hell?"
There can be bad side effects.  Really bad.
We are supposed to leave for Maui in July.  I am afraid to get this shot that lasts in your body for 3 months when I have to get on an airplane in a month.  But if I don't take the Lupron, if the endometriosis is really bad, it can eat away at my intestines, bladder, etc. 
I am really torn.
I think if I do the Lupron shot, I'll do it after we get home from Maui.

And for now, I'm going to go love on that sweet baby girl of mine that came to me exactly the way God intended her to!  :)

Surgery Update

I am officially barren.  Barren.  Sometimes I am totally fine with it.  I mean, really, I have 4 kiddos.  Isn't that enough?  And 3 of them grew in that womb of mine.  I adopted a baby girl that I love just as much as if she had grew in that womb of mine, too.  So it's not like the hysterectomy signalled me never having any biological kids.  4 kids is plenty.  So why am I sometimes experiencing twinges of sadness?  I've had 2 crying jags so far- my mom and Dave say it's because of my hormones being out of whack.  I went into automatic menopause.  Yikes. I am, however, wearing an estrogen patch.  I have tears streaming down my face as I type this.  What the hell is wrong with me?

While I was in the hospital (I stayed for 2 nights), I saw on Facecrack that Dave's BFF from med school and his wife are finally pregnant. They have been trying for a long time and had infertility issues.  They talked to us about adoption when we saw them in December.  I was suggesting some adoption agencies for them to contact.  She is 23 weeks pregnant, so they got pregnant after we saw them.   I don't even know the gender, but I felt a twang of jealousy.  What the??  You're probably thinking, "What the hell is wrong with you, woman!"  They deserve to be happy and pregnant.  So why did this hit me so hard?  Because I am 42 and while that is pushing it to get pregnant anyways, there is absolutely no chance of me being pregnant again.  Our adoption home study certification expires next month.  We are definitely not renewing it, I haven't even asked Dave to renew it.  I know my family is complete with our 4 kiddos.

So about my surgery....at first we talked about just taking out the ovary with the mass on it.  Then I suggested doing a total hyst and taking both ovaries.  So I don't have to worry about any masses on the other ovary.  Well, good thing I was ok with that before we went in.  There was no way to salvage the uterus.  The ovary with the mass on it was stuck to the backside of the uterus.  They were not coming apart.  Crazy, right?  My uterus didn't look great, it was described as "boggy".  The other fallopian tube was caked with endometriosis.  That is what I had.  Endometriosis.  My surgery took longer than expected.  Apparently, I had endometriosis.  My OB/GYN said she couldn't believe I had 3 babies with that uterus! 

Who wouldda thunk?!  I made a prediction before my surgery that I had endometriosis.....I had been having horrible crampy painful periods.  But I didn't think it was that bad!

Please don't judge me because I admitted being sad that I have entered an era....infertility....menopause.....like an old lady!   Please don't judge me that I had a twinge of jealousy that our friends are pregnant.  We are not even looking to expand our family anymore.  I think it just hit me funny like when my husband likes to tell me, "Vicki, we're in our 40's now!  These things happen when we get older!" about other things that we encounter.   I think these hormones shifts are affecting me more than I thought they would.    I am truly happy for our friends and am looking forward to mailing them a baby gift.

Cambria's birthmom mailed us a really sweet letter that I got today.  She told us how much she loves us and how she's glad she picked the perfect family for her baby girl.  It was so lovely.  I am so glad we have this open adoption with her birth family.  So guess what happened?  I started crying after I read the letter!  These damn hormones!  I love that baby girl so much, and I love her birthmom and have the utmost respect for her for allowing me to raise her and be her mama.  So why the tears?!   lol maybe I need to be wearing 2 hormone patches instead of one!  ;)