Surgery Update

I am officially barren.  Barren.  Sometimes I am totally fine with it.  I mean, really, I have 4 kiddos.  Isn't that enough?  And 3 of them grew in that womb of mine.  I adopted a baby girl that I love just as much as if she had grew in that womb of mine, too.  So it's not like the hysterectomy signalled me never having any biological kids.  4 kids is plenty.  So why am I sometimes experiencing twinges of sadness?  I've had 2 crying jags so far- my mom and Dave say it's because of my hormones being out of whack.  I went into automatic menopause.  Yikes. I am, however, wearing an estrogen patch.  I have tears streaming down my face as I type this.  What the hell is wrong with me?

While I was in the hospital (I stayed for 2 nights), I saw on Facecrack that Dave's BFF from med school and his wife are finally pregnant. They have been trying for a long time and had infertility issues.  They talked to us about adoption when we saw them in December.  I was suggesting some adoption agencies for them to contact.  She is 23 weeks pregnant, so they got pregnant after we saw them.   I don't even know the gender, but I felt a twang of jealousy.  What the??  You're probably thinking, "What the hell is wrong with you, woman!"  They deserve to be happy and pregnant.  So why did this hit me so hard?  Because I am 42 and while that is pushing it to get pregnant anyways, there is absolutely no chance of me being pregnant again.  Our adoption home study certification expires next month.  We are definitely not renewing it, I haven't even asked Dave to renew it.  I know my family is complete with our 4 kiddos.

So about my surgery....at first we talked about just taking out the ovary with the mass on it.  Then I suggested doing a total hyst and taking both ovaries.  So I don't have to worry about any masses on the other ovary.  Well, good thing I was ok with that before we went in.  There was no way to salvage the uterus.  The ovary with the mass on it was stuck to the backside of the uterus.  They were not coming apart.  Crazy, right?  My uterus didn't look great, it was described as "boggy".  The other fallopian tube was caked with endometriosis.  That is what I had.  Endometriosis.  My surgery took longer than expected.  Apparently, I had endometriosis.  My OB/GYN said she couldn't believe I had 3 babies with that uterus! 

Who wouldda thunk?!  I made a prediction before my surgery that I had endometriosis.....I had been having horrible crampy painful periods.  But I didn't think it was that bad!

Please don't judge me because I admitted being sad that I have entered an era....infertility....menopause.....like an old lady!   Please don't judge me that I had a twinge of jealousy that our friends are pregnant.  We are not even looking to expand our family anymore.  I think it just hit me funny like when my husband likes to tell me, "Vicki, we're in our 40's now!  These things happen when we get older!" about other things that we encounter.   I think these hormones shifts are affecting me more than I thought they would.    I am truly happy for our friends and am looking forward to mailing them a baby gift.

Cambria's birthmom mailed us a really sweet letter that I got today.  She told us how much she loves us and how she's glad she picked the perfect family for her baby girl.  It was so lovely.  I am so glad we have this open adoption with her birth family.  So guess what happened?  I started crying after I read the letter!  These damn hormones!  I love that baby girl so much, and I love her birthmom and have the utmost respect for her for allowing me to raise her and be her mama.  So why the tears?!   lol maybe I need to be wearing 2 hormone patches instead of one!  ;)