Spring Break/ 5 years Ago

The kids were recently on spring break.  We went to Phoenix for a few days to soak up some up the sunshine there.  Then I got really sick with a bad bronchitis and flu symptoms!  So we canceled our trip to Vegas for the end of Spring Break and came home and I camped out on the couch coughing my brains out for 4 days.

Anyways,  I kept thinking about the fact that 5 years ago, on spring break, we were in San Francisco meeting an expectant mom who was making an adoption plan for her daughter.  We were matched with her since January and she was due in May.  We (Dave, our oldest two sons and I) met her, her husband and her 3 kids at the hospital she was going to deliver at.  We all got along famously, so well.  The kids got along and the adults got along.  This baby was the original Cambria.   We really liked her and her family and were all excited about the upcoming delivery in May.    However, I remember one thing that made Dave and I uneasy was that they hadn't told their children about the upcoming adoption.  I'm not sure who their kids thought we were!

Then Dave and I took our kids around San Francisco doing fun, touristy things and eating at our favorite restaurant there, The House of Prime Rib.    We also went ice skating.  The weather was not great- rainy and dark and dreary skies.  But we still had fun on our trip and were glad to meet the woman we were matched with.

She went into labor a month later in April, earlier than her due date.  We scrambled to throw clothes in a suitcase and get ready to head to San Francisco.  All the flights that day were full, so we ended up driving the 12 hour drive there.  A few things had happened the previous week and we were again uneasy with the adoption.  We got to the hospital and met this cute little baby girl and while I don't want to go into details, it just did not feel right.  A few other things that happened at the hospital raised some concerns and made us raise an eyebrow.    Dave and I talked and talked and he had to head home early to go to work, and we talked all the while he was in the shuttle on the way to the airport.  My exact words to him were, "I don't think I can do this."   And we both had that sinking feeling in our stomachs that this was not the right adoption situation for us.  I talked to my mom and my BFF about it.  Then we called the adoption agency and told them the news.  I couldn't believe that after wanting a daughter for so long, that we disrupted this match.  It was devastating and still is to some degree.  I still haven't been back to San Francisco since that fateful day in April 2011.  The birth mother and the adoption agency were mad at us.  Hell, Dave's own SIL was mad at us for backing out, and that was her lame excuse for never accepting my daughter Cambria into the family!  (Sound crazy?  As if she should get to dictate who I adopt and then take it out on an innocent little baby!)  Read my previous posts about the SIL situation if you don't know what I am referring to.  To this day, D's brother thinks that was a rational and valid excuse for his wife and daughter and even himself to have nothing to do with my daughter, their niece and cousin- because she had infertility issues and thought we should have adopted that baby no matter what.  Sigh.....   The whole situation was traumatic and D and I didn't want to talk about it and all the details at first.  I cried everyday for months.  My sons cried over the loss of this baby sister they thought they were going to have.  I slept with the baby's blanket for a month and cried myself to sleep.  We live in a small town, and didn't want the whole town knowing all the details.  Some things should be kept private and sacred.  Besides, it was too painful for me to talk about.  Now that I have my daughter and almost 5 years have passed, I am finally ok to go back to San Francisco for a visit.   I've seen pictures of the original Cambria, and she is so beautiful.  However, I don't think she was meant to be my daughter and I feel she is with the family God had intended her to be with all along.  I look at my daughter and I think she is absolutely the daughter God meant for me to have.  I just wish he didn't put us through that test and I wish other people's feelings didn't have to get hurt in the process.  We never meant to cause the birth family in San Francisco any pain.  I feel bad to this day that the whole thing went down the way it did.

We took some time off of adoption after that failed placement.  We tried to convince ourselves adoption just wasn't in the cards for our family.  But after some time, I realized I did want a baby, but I wanted the baby and adoption situation that was right for everybody involved.  So I got back to the search and signed up with some other agencies, including one who I think just took my deposit money and had no intentions of matching us with an expectant mom.  I think that agency is closed now.  We agreed that if we weren't matched by the end of 2012, that we were going to move onto other things in our lives.  I got a call when I least expected it in September saying we were matched and our baby was born 2 days later!   (A lot of people I have talked to said they got "The Call" when they least expected it.)  I would be lying if I didn't have fears that I would get that same feeling at the hospital that this adoption situation wasn't right, either.  My mom said as I was heading to the airport, "Let's hope you come home with a baby this time."   We didn't tell a soul outside of my parents and kids that we were heading to NC to meet our baby!  I finally told a few people while we were there for 10 days waiting for IC.PC to clear and we were given the go-ahead to come back home with our daughter.  I couldn't face everyone with the news if the adoption fell through again.  After the 10 days was up and we were cleared to fly back home,  I posted a picture of her on FB with the caption, "Meet my daughter!"  Everyone was like, "What???!"   They asked why we didn't tell them sooner.  I laughed and said I myself had just found out 12 days earlier that we were matched! I had to fly out separately because once again this baby came a few weeks early!  ;)   I met my daughter and her birth mom and paternal birth grandma and cousin all at the same time at the hospital!  I kept praying they would all like me and not back out.  I spent the next 10 days praying her birth mother wouldn't change her mind.  That is how I knew she was meant to be my daughter.   Her birth mother signed the relinquishment paperwork 2 days after she was born, and in NC they have 7 days after that to change their mind.  Gosh, time has never moved so slow as it did during those 7 days!  When Cambria's adoption was finalized, I remember reading the paperwork and crying so hard- tears of joy that I could barely read the words on the court papers.  I was holding her in my lap and reading the adoption paperwork at the same time, and I kissed her and said, "You're my daughter forever!"  I was a blubbering mess, a happy mess!  Ha!  That was one of the greatest days of my life.   But if you think about it, adoption always means loss to some people in the triad.  My daughter and her birth mom lost their legal ties to each other that day.  My daughter was obviously too young to understand what my tears meant.  I didn't tell her birth mom when the adoption was finalized.  I didn't want to cause her more pain and sadness.  She never asked.  I would have told her if she had asked.  I read a lot of adoption blogs where the birth mother is upset that she wasn't notified when the adoption was final.  Cambria's birth mom never brought it up.

My daughter is officially 3.5 years old today.  I can't imagine my life without her in it.  It was a long bumpy road to meet her, but I'm glad we didn't give up.  She was meant to be my baby girl.  God just had a different path for us to take to make it happen.  To this day, her birth mom says she doesn't regret her decision.  Sure, she would have liked to be in a place in her life to get to raise her, but she feels she made the best decision.  Open adoptions can be hard and a lot of work sometimes, but I think they are also rewarding.  I am happy that her birth family gets to watch her grow up across the country and that neither my daughter or her birth family will ever have to wonder or worry about how the other is doing.  They can pick up the phone and call or text or send a FB message and ask.

~Wishing everyone a happy and blessed Easter.   xo